Hi Q-Ball

Is there something I can do for you?? I notice that you stop in here almost daily .... and I am wondering why. You haven't had a single nice thing to say to me in ... oh .... about 6 months ... maybe longer. I am not chasing you around ... why do you insist on following me?

WF can fight her own fights ... she doesn't need YOU to tattle on me anymore.

I do not know why you have decided to hate me so much ... but that is your choice. Now go away. I'd prefer not to see Mason, Michigan ((or Holt, Michigan)) on my SiteMeter again.

Freedom Writers ....

WOW .... wow .... wow .....

We are watching the movie Freedom Writers ... OMG .... I can so relate!!

Okay ... I did not work in an Urban High School .... I worked in a Suburban High School. And the Gangs weren't as bad .... but there were Gangs. I didn't have the same effect she had ... but I affected many many lives .....

I taught Math ... not English ...

But ... here is the deal ... there was something called "writing across the curriculum" in our school. Every class had to do writing assignments. Even math classes. A lot of Math teachers made their students write their answers to their Math problems in full sentences. But not me! I always hated having to put my answers into full sentences ... "John bought 4 lbs of almonds and 6 pounds of peanuts on his last trip to the Nut House". Whatever!!

No .... I had to be different. But I had to make them write. So ... I bought at book called " The Book of Questions" by Gregory Stock ... and every morning I would write a "Question of the Day" in a corner of the board. At the begining of each class, students had to write out at least a paragraph response to questions like ... "What was you worst experience with blood?" ... "Would you rather be blind or deaf? Why?" .... "What 3 people would you like to have join you for dinner tonight?" .... etc.

This book has 100's of interesting questions. Some of them were inappropriate to ask high schoolers .... so I avoided those .... some of them were really gross, like ... "Would you be willing to eat a bowl of live crickets for $40,000?" .... the kids loved those .... some were very intense, asking very serious life or death questions and most students took these questions very seriously.

On Fridays, I would collect their paragraphs. They all received a grade for participation .... but I did not grade the paragraphs otherwise. I did, however, read them. I would read them and write comments on them ... reply to their thoughts, encourage, prod, praise, laugh ...

This took a great deal of time. I was their Math teacher ... and still had tests and quizzes and homework and make-up work to grade and record. But these Question of the Day writings were important and I tried to keep up with them so that I could return them to the students on Mondays. They loved getting the sheets back from me and seeing the comments I had written. I loved getting to know the students better through their answers to these questions.

I started this when I came to Lewisville High School in 1994. I continued with it at The Colony High School until 2004. During that time, I got to know the souls of some wonderful young people. I learned about their heartaches and their dreams, their anger and their joys, their failures and their successes. I offered very little advice, I was mostly just an ear. About once a year or so, I would read of someone planning to hurt themselves somehow ... and I would try very hard to pull them back from that edge. To the best of my knowledge, I was successful with that ... but those were very scary things to read and I often feared I would be too late, or do too little.

More later .... gotta go tutor ....

Time Off ....

Yesterday was our first day of "Summer" here in LISD area. I had so much time to myself!! WOW ... not used to that! And last night is the first Tuesday night in forever that I didn't have to work ... so much TIME!!

I am about to finish reading Tandia by Bryce Courtenay ... that is my downstairs book ... and I am reading The #1 Ladies Detective Agency series of books by Alexander McCall Smith ... what a lovely series of books!! I seem to be in an "Africa" mode lately ... not sure why ... but both Courtenay and Smith write beautifully about that continent.

Oh dear .... I just went to Amazon.com and found a gazillion Alexander McCall Smith Books .... more of the #1 Ladies Detective Agency Books ... and also a series set in Scotland ... I need to tutor 3 hours to pay for these books!! Tutor first!! Buy Later!!

Oh my ... it is dark as night outside at 9:20 am here ... a big storm is moving in from the North ... and I just went outside and the wind was blowing in from the South ... that can't be a good combination .... Rain is starting ... good morning to read ....

Still getting lots of attention from people reading .... one SBDer spent almost 2 hours day before yesterday on 19 page views .... I don't even have 19 posts to this BLOG ... I upgraded my SiteMeter so now I can actually see the path anyone takes as they read ... and where they came from online ... and where they go online!!

I also found out that the SiteMeter info isn't a secret at all !! Anyone can click on the free meters and see all the info I have been able to see!! I made this one private ... but I may change it back. But the one on my QoftheD ... http://yourquestionoftheday.blogspot.com .... is free ... and anyone can click on it and see all the user info ... IP addresses ... World Map of hits .... Locations of visitors ... very interesting!!

The storm is here now. All kitties are inside, I think. Robbie is still sleeping .... Tom is at work .... dog is pacing .... thunder and lightening and hard rain .... Gotta Love it!!

Memorial Day .... 2007

And it is still .... here in North Texas.

I have some shopping to do ... Graduation Gifts and cards ... late birthday cards .... stuff like that. I need to return some items to Coldwater Creek ... so might run over to Southlake to do that. Tom and I were over there on Saturday ... what I nice area!! It is an outdoor mall with some AWESOME stores!! Maybe it won't be too crowded with all the rain ...

Tom will watch "We Were Soldiers" or a similar war movie ... and remember. We need to get a flag-pole and display the flag daily. That sounds like a good Memorial Day thing to do. I also think he and I and Robbie need to join the USO and their efforts at DFW airport to meet and greet returning soldiers from Iraq ... I will look into doing that ... and sending them a check to help them out. I'd like to volunteer somehow ... and I think that would be a very good way.

The Troll Whisperer ....

Another interesting article on Trolls .... Article ....

Admin_Jen needs to check this out.

Memorial Day Weekend ....

Here is what it looks like here in North Texas this weekend ...

I am NOT complaining!!

Our Yard is Lush and Green and almost jungle-like!! Even swampy in places! We will need to work on the swampy parts soon .... but I LOVE the lush green look ... and the scents ... and the birds ... and the SOUNDS!!

I love napping when it is raining.

I love reading when it is raining.

I love Blogging when it is raining.

I have to cherish the rain ... because here in North Texas ... Summer is coming .... and one never knows when we will see rain again. I don't think it has been 9o degrees here yet .... maybe one or two days ... since Spring started .... but it has been an amazingly wet and cool Spring for us! Gotta love it.

I am still missing my community of friends. I find it very interesting that this blog is being read by all of the people who wanted me gone from South Beach Diet Online. Many of them are still checking in on a daily basis. I have heard from others that Fool's Paradise is basically dead on SBDO. Bree opens daily ... but no one is posting. That is so sad.

Times change .... people move on. My memories of the LHS Faculty lounge back in 1995 reinforced that to me. I had that wonderful group of women for just that one year ... then they added a bunch more portable buildings for classrooms ... and we all got our own classrooms without having to share. Suddenly, the faculty lounge was just a place to spend your 30 minute lunch with teachers from the same department as you. Conference periods were spent grading papers and making lesson plans in the empty quiet of your classroom. The comeradery of the 95-96 school year faded to just a memory. A GOOD memory ... but just a memory.

And so goes the comeradery of Fool's Paradise from 2003-new year's eve 2006. It is now but a memory. I can still email with some friends I met on there. And I can IM with others. But the playful exchange between many bright minds and kind hearts, all in the same place, is now dead.

Many of us are in mourning. Many of us say we have just been too busy to "play" on the boards. Many are confused as to exactly what has happened. Many feel compelled to choose "sides". Many want to stay friends with everybody ... but feel torn by the conflicts.

Change is inevitable.

I don't have to like it .... but I do need to embrace it and move on.

School's OUT!!

Yes!!! I have one more class today at 1:30 ... here at the house ... and then I think I can declare myself officially on vacation ... at least for a 4-day-weekend!!

The 6th and 7th graders were very sweet today ... I need to write a blog about what I did for them this week .... dang it ... I meant to take pictures!! Shoot!! Oh well .... Anyway ... they gave me little gifts and hugs and we looked back on the year together ... very nice. I'll blog about what I gave them in my education opinions blog.

I also had something kind of neat happen yesterday ...

Tom and I went out for Indian Food for lunch like we do almost every Wednesday ... although we were later than usual. While we were eating, I heard a lovely British sounding voice ... and saw Gillian!! Okay ... so most Brits would slap me silly ... because the accent is actually South African ... but I still love the sound of it!!

Gillian and I worked together at LHS and again at The Colony ... but she retired in 2001. She was an English teacher .... and now teaches part-time at a local Community College.

Ahhhhh .... the memories!!

One year at LHS we were so crowded with students that every teacher had to share classrooms with another. During our conference periods we could stay in that room while the other teacher taught ... or find a faculty lounge to hang out in ... grade papers ... etc. I chose to abandon my Portable Building to the Coach teaching Social Studies and I usually hung out in the main Faculty Lounge ... graded papers ... ate lunch ... ran off papers .... etc.

The very cool thing about this set-up was the fact that there were displaced teachers from all departments who also hung out in this faculty lounge. English teachers, Math teachers, Science teachers, Art and Speech and Cheerleading teachers ... and even Subs. The group which I had the pleasure of sharing my 90 minutes of time with was HILARIOUS!!

There was Sally the Speech teacher ... OMG ... such wit and intelligence ....

There was Dixie, the Cheerleader Coach ... Sally's best friend ... who was also witty and intelligent and pretty and fun .... and a great straight-man for Sally ...

There was Gillian, the English teacher, with her South African Accent ... and a lovely innocence but strong opinions and intelligence ...

Judy the Art teacher .... me, the Math teacher .... a couple of Subs who who were very bright and fun women and were there on and off .... there were others, but I can't remember specifics ...

We all laughed a lot .... especially when Sally and Dixie got going ....

The one occasion which stands out the most in my mind involved a can of Renuzit Air Freshener ...

I wish I could remember the year .... ah ... Google is wonderful ... it was 1995 ... and there had been a report on the radio of cans of air freshener which had an actual picure of a (penis) laying in amongst the flowers. Well .... Sally and Dixie just had to look in to this rumor ... and one of them went out to the store and bought a can of Renuzit .... AND ... OMG ... there was a PENIS laying amongst the flowers. Well ... it sure looked like one!!!

OMG!! We laughed and laughed ... and were SHOCKED!! Shocked, I tell you. It looked like the photographer had gently laid his own body part in amongst the flowers when he took the pic!!

Well ... sweet Gillian .... she just had to call her husband and tell him about it .... so she calls him ... and we are all still laughing ... and she says "Colin ... you need to go get a can of Renuzit Air Freshener!! There is a picture of a ... ((and she puts her hand over mouth and whispers 'penis')) on the can!! " She had to say it several times because he couldn't understand her whispering ... but she didn't want to say PENIS out-loud!! All this with her lovely South African Accent ....

We laughed and laughed ....

Ahhhhh .... the memories ....

Here is a link to the SNOPES De-Bunking of the Story .... and the pic on the can ....

Ha!! I actually got to post a phallic symbol and type the word Penis ... wonder what Admin_John would think ....

WOW ... Do I Feel Better!!

I feel SO MUCH BETTER since discovering that there is a name for what has happened to me ... and much documented evidence about such occurrences across the Internet.

INTERNET TROLLS!!

Who would have thought??

And here I was wasting months of time and energy and angst trying to figure out what I had done ... when it wasn't me at all. I was a target because I was high visibility. And sadly, they hit their target and took me down. And I let them. I certainly let them.

I think more research needs to be done on Trolls and Established Message Boards. Especially when a beloved member of the board, for some reason, turns into a Troll and works from the inside to take the board down. This activity seems to me to be particularly insidious. Now that I know that there is documented evidence of the existence of TROLLS, I will keep reading to see what has happened in other forums. I know newsgroups and popular Blogs get trolled a lot ... but what about an established community of women who just meet to enjoy each other's company? Has this happened in other such communities??

Someone needs to alert Admin_Jen .... she has a great paper in the making ... right there in her domain.

Trolls and Stalkers ....

WOW!!

This is some very interesting reading .... Trolls ....

And also this .... Stalkers ....

I had no idea this was such a common problem.

Reminder .... I am not going into other people's groups and blogs and posting things to cause disruption.

I am posting in my own BLOG my own emotions and thoughts and feelings.

Period.

...... More on Trolls ....

An Internet "troll" is a person who delights in sowing discord on the Internet. He or she slanders others and seeks to cause conflicts and upset people. Trolls are malicious, antisocial,and often mentally ill. They crave attention, and care not whether it is positive or negative. The Internet is a convenient venue for their bizarre, misanthropic games - a means to abuse others without fear of retaliation. Trolls are cowards - lacking the courage to be overtly hostile towards people, they hide behind their computers and the anonymity of the Internet. The troll is a less intelligent version of the malicious hacker or virus writer.

Trolls are impervious to meaningful dialogue. You CANNOT reason with them and you CANNOT cause them to feel shame or compassion. Trolls do not feel bound by rules of courtesy or social responsibility. They are simply not playing with a full deck. It is futile to try to "cure" a troll of his obsession. Trolls are irrational and not accessible through any sane approach.

Established posters may leave a newsgroup/message board because of troll-created conflicts, and lurkers (readers that do not post) may not want to expose themselves to abuse and therefore never speak up. Thus they unwisely allow the troll to violate their rights of free speech and expression.

The Internet is a vital resource - and probably the last stand for free speech. Being antisocial, trolls hate this and try to subvert it. When you try to reason with a troll, he wins. When you curse at a troll, he wins. If he succeeds in angering you, he's succeeded. THE ONLY THING THE TROLL CAN'T HANDLE IS BEING IGNORED - having NO EFFECT on his intended targets! So the best way to deal with trolls is to IGNORE THEM and occasionally (and ONLY occasionally) remind others not to respond to them either.

Let Me ....

Let me make myself perfectly clear ....

Catmadam ... you are not welcome here.

WF ... you are not welcome here.

Q-Ball .... you are ALSO not welcome here ... you have hit this page on several occasions in the past couple of days.

And anyone else who thinks that I am evil and wrong and that Catmadam, and WF, and Q-Ball are wonderful people who don't have any issues of their own .... YOU are not welcome here either.

In case you haven't been reading the lovely comments sections of these posts ... I have a SiteMeter on this BLOG .... and on ALL of my BLOGS .... it collects cookies .... My QoftheD gets hits from several continents on a daily basis, I find that fascinating. My site meters were intended mostly to keep count of hits ... turns out that they are supplying me with a lot more info than some people would like me to have.

Cat, WF, and Q-Ball .... you all, and some others, wanted me gone from SBDO .... I am gone.

I know you are also monitoring iVillage where I am trying to establish myself and find new friends.

I do not know what is driving this need for you to shadow me ... but I think you need to find another focus.

3 Weeks away .....

What do they say?? You can break, or form, a new habit in 21 days??

Hmmmmm .... I must say that I question that saying.

I have been "jonesing" for online community contact today and it has been over 3 weeks since I last posted in SBDO. iVillage has been unaccessible for me today ... Message Board problems .... can't post ....

I guess, in a way, I should thank Wine Fairie ... (and yes ... I know you are reading .... almost daily). Today was a glorious day for Texas May. High of 79 ... 40% humidity .... sunny .... breezy .... and FRIDAY!! Instead of hanging out online with friends, I was outside almost all day. Reading on the deck ... floating in the pool .... playing with the dog ....

Still .... I miss my FP friends. I miss the community.

Okay .... one day at a time .... one friend at a time .... it's like moving .... I have to re-establish myself. Find new friends .... find a new happy place ....

See .... the thing is .... I have a really good happy place right here where I am sitting. But I want to share my happiness ... and hear of others' happiness ... and heck ... share any sadnesses I have on occassion and be willing to hug others who have their own sadnesses.

Isn't it silly that I can so whole-heartedly miss an online community of women .... many whom I have never met? Yet I do. Very Much.

Okay ... it is Friday ... and I have been to BJ's ... I didn't have tequila ... but to all my FP friends who manage to find their way here ... I miss you and ... I LOVE YOU!!

Ehehehehe .... Really .... No Tequila!! yet ......

A "WOW" Moment ....

The following is a true story which my friend "Sunshine" experienced and wrote .... enjoy!!

As some of you know, I have a little part time job with an agency that contracts with MHMR. Since March 1, 2006, I've been driving Willie and Karen to doctor appointments, day hab, church, shopping, the bank, bowling, etc. Sometimes it's very entertaining and some times its infuriating. But last week, we had a truly awesome experience.

Willie is 69 and Karen is 65. Most of the time they call me "momma". I've gotten used to it, but it did take a while. They've been married 14 years and met in a group home. Both are mildly retarded. Willie deals with depression and Karen is diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. She talks to herself a lot and has "voices" that tell her things. Sometimes, they tell her she can't have sugar or salt to eat. After a while, they'll tell her to eat sugar or salt again. Or it may be something else entirely. Her hands move a lot, sort of like she's running an air calculator.

Last Tuesday, May 8, 2007, Willie had an early doctor's appointment in Fort Worth. Karen went along for the ride. As we were driving along I-30, she announced that she wanted donuts. I told her we needed to get Willie to the doctor first and then we'd look for donuts. No big deal. After taking care of doctor business, we set off in search of a donut shop. For some reason, I wasn't finding one.

We drove from the doctor's office on Belknap, made a left on Beach. A little over half way between Belknap and I-30 on Beach, Karen says she also wants some coffee. Donut shops usually have coffee. This shouldn't be a problem. But... I'm not finding a donut shop. This is really strange. We get on I-30 going east and get off at Oakland going south to Lancaster. Still no donut shop. I go east on Lancaster which is filled with all sorts of stores but no donut shop.

We stopped at the bank on Lancaster so that they could get their allowances for the week. We troop back out to the car and before leaving the parking lot, I get hit. Not too much damage to the car, just some scratches on the bumper and a paint smear that wipes off. I get the kid's info but I'm not real nice about sharing mine. He got my name and license plate number. After all, he drove all over me while I was sitting still and I've got witnesses.

So, now I'm ticked off and I still can't find a donut shop. No one in the bank could tell me where to find one either. I circle back a little bit on Lancaster and pull into a Sonic to get coffee for the "kids". Then we set off again in search of the elusive donut shop. I pulled into a Racetrack gasoline station thinking "these places usually have donuts and maybe we can make Karen happy with them". But, alas, all they have are packaged donuts and she wants "glazed".

I ask the guy behind the counter if he can tell me where to find a donut shop. He says, "Sure. Go back out and continue going east on Lancaster. Make a left on Handley at the light. Go north on Handley to Meadowbrook and make a left onto Meadowbrook. You'll see a CVS, a General Dollar Store, a liquor store, and then a donut shop." Okay, now I'm on a mission. We follow his directions and sure enough there is a donut shop.

As I pull into the parking lot, Karen is excited. "This is it. This is just what I wanted. This is perfect. This is right where I wanted to be." We all three pile out of the car and traipse into the donut shop.

The guy behind the counter looks up and says, "You're my sister." Now, I know he's not talking to me as both my brothers have passed on to their final reward and I'm pretty sure that I'm still alive. So, I look at the guy and sure enough he could be Karen's twin. Same height. About the same weight. Same hair (okay, her's is short and she cuts it herself while he probably uses a barber). Same eyes, except his are blue and hers are brown. The age is right, too. It's really eerie. They have not seen each other in over 40 years.

Now he is as excited as she is. He wants to know where I found her, where she lives, where she has been. I introduce him to Willie and he finds it hard to believe that she is married. He tells us that his son is being scouted by the Yankees. Karen has talked a lot about how her family was active in all kinds of sports. She talks a lot about playing football when she was younger. We thought it was just the voices.

He told her that their mother had died and that made her sad. But it also explained why her mother's phone had become disconnected. She used to talk about talking to her mother on the phone and she didn't know why her mother had changed her phone number and not given her the new number. Again, we thought this was all in her head.

And he gave her a dozen glazed donuts before we left that day. It just so happens that he owns the donut shop and he has had it for many years. It's maybe three or four miles from where Willie and Karen lived before moving in with his sister last year.

It's truly awesome to be in the midst of a "God moment". I left that donut shop, smiling on the inside. In all of this great Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex with millions of people in an area that is probably 90 miles wide by 60 miles long, it took supernatural direction to get us to that specific donut shop so that Karen and her brother could re-connect.

Particularly, when you consider that today Willie had to go back to that same doctor for his annual checkup. And about a half block down from the doctor's office guess what I see??? A donut shop!

Doing Okay ....

Well .... maybe a door closes and a window opens .... maybe ....

I am kind of hanging out in iVillage in the Coffee Chop Chatter section. There isn't a lot of activity there ... but it does seem safe .... and the people seem very nice. LOL ... I just checked in there and found out I won an AWARD!! Yay Me!!!

Here is is!! ======>

LOL ... little do they know ... that would've been a slow day in FP.

The place where I have been spending most of my online time recently is www.NeighborsGo.com ... a new website sponsored by the Dallas Morning News. It is kind of like a MySpace for the DFW area. It is just in BETA right now .... so there are lots of glitches ... but I am enjoying breaking it in. There is a place to blog and I am happily blogging away about TAKS testing and EOC testing and actually feeling like someone might hear me! Someone here in Texas. And that people here might care! Maybe ....

PLUS .... they have very affordable advertising so I am taking full advantage of that! So is Tom.

It is kind of nice to be online with people right HERE. Maybe I can make some connections this way? Maybe some friends? One never knows. I do notice that the DMN is trying very hard to be vital and alive ... willing to change with the times and try new things ... I like that.

Deron Williams .... I am so Proud of YOU ....

Deron Williams from The Colony High School Class of 2002 is now a starter for the Utah Jazz .... and the Utah Jazz are in the playoffs! And Deron is one class act of a young man. ((Okay ... so he has a lot of tatoos.))

I was Deron's Geometry teacher at TCHS and I am quite sure he owes all his success on the court to the skills I taught him in Geometry. I keep looking for a mention of my name in the numerous Sports Illustrated articles and occasional Dallas Morning News article ... I'm sure I'll see it sometime. He's probably just waiting to win his first NBA championship.

Okay ... so maybe he doesn't remember me ... but I sure remember him.

I remember him sitting in the back of my classroom and telling me he was going to be the next Kobe Bryant. My response to that statement ... "Who is Kobe Bryant?"

I remember him coming in early to class and telling me to go to various college websites where he was on their recruiting watch list ... as a sophmore!

I remember his coach telling me that he didn't expect any favors as far as grades were concerned ... he wanted this young man to be able to do well on his SATs.

I remember Deron signing with the University of Illinois and when he told me about it I mentioned that my sister and brother were both Fighting Illini ... and he said, "By the way .... What's an Illini?"

I remember going to an electronics store with my husband to shop for a Big Screen TV and seeing Deron Williams and the Fighting Illini being featured on all the TV's in the store. I told anyone who would listen to me that he was my student at TCHS.

I remember going "home" to Illinois for Christmas and having my niece be in awe ... "YOU taught Deron Williams? He is so awesome!"

I remember watching the Final Four ... then the NBA draft (he went 3rd) .... and now I am watching him play with the Big Boys. Wait ... he IS a Big Boy. WOW.

This article in the DMN expresses well what has taken Deron from TCHS to where he is today. He owes a lot to his Mother ... and to Coach Tommy Thomas .... (and his geometry teacher, Ms. Khan, now Ms. Mack) .... but ultimately DERON has done all of this himself.

And I am very proud of him.

What I Miss ....

It has been two weeks now since I left Fool's Paradise on the South Beach Diet website. The first week was really hard .... this 2nd week has been better. Having this blog is helping. It gives me a spot to vent. And it gives me a spot to share.

I spent 3.5 pretty darn happy years hanging out with some truly amazing, wonderful women. And ... I spent the last 4 months just trying to keep the hope alive that it could be that way again. I failed.

And boy do I miss what it once was.

Back in July of 2003 I read about the South Beach Diet and decided to give it a try. I joined the website ... which at the time cost $6.95 a month to belong. The site hosted Message Boards ... which I had zero experience with. Somehow I stumbled into a group who was calling themselves "Fool's Paradise". They were hilarious!! OMG .... one line zingers with plays on words ... it was clear these women had amazing intellect. Some were very witty and wordy ... others were the "straight men" .... it was clear these women were friends and played off each other really well.

I read them for a couple of days ... then noticed a reference to Poo-Ping ... one of the women's dog. LOL ... I had to ask ... I think my first post to them was asking whether "Poo-Ping" was really the name of the dog. Who would name their dog "Poo-Ping"?? Oh ... and by the way ... since starting this diet I was having a bit of trouble "poo-ping" myself ... did anyone else have this problem and what should I do??

A couple of the women on the thread had become very knowledgable about the diet and they quickly mentioned Milk of Magnesia would help ... (and it did).

I asked them how I could join this group ... they said ... just post and play with them. So I did! It took me awhile to figure out what I was doing ... and even longer to figure out who everybody was ... I had to take notes ... I kept getting Caterry and Catmadam cornfused! But as we all chatted and laughed, our own language started to develop ... certain innocuous words like "plan" and "ponder" took on whole new meanings. Mis-spellings and typos became integrated into the play.

Recently I have typed that I had "plans" to do something .... and had to pause to think "does this person know the FP meaning of plan?".

The true heart of the hilarity in Fool's Paradise was a woman who called herself BellyBeGone. She would be the owner of the Chinese Pug called "Poo-Ping" .... and no, that wasn't the dog's name, but in MY heart, it was and still is!

This woman was/is truly amazing. Her ability to twist a very simple statement into a laugh was sheer genius. LOL ... ROFL ... Snort! All of those were oh so true!! If anyone could bring out a good SNORT, Belly could. But all the other women in these threads had their own individual skills and we all played off each other in truly delightful ways.

Mind you .... none of us actually knew anyone else in these threads. None of us had ever met. But some people played off each other so well that everyone thought they had to be related ... maybe even sisters? Belly and Catmadam and DRMCK all claimed to have the same Mama .... DO and Caterry and Purple Angel became each other's halves .... yet no one had met face-to-face.

I was kind of a side player. Always there ... always laughing ... occasionally getting a one-liner in myself. But ... everyone knew me ... and I was always welcome ... and it was a sisterhood of friendship and laughter. And it was nice.

I miss that. I miss that a lot.

I won't write about what happened to destroy all of that. Suffice to say that wherever two or more women gather, there will be drama ... and there was DRAMA ...

I want to write about the good things ... the laughter, and sense of belonging, the kindnesses, the surprises, the concern, the KARMA.

As a group, we kind of discovered that we had an ability to support each other through times of need. One of us would be hurting ... physically or emotionally ... and the others would send out what became known as "Fewl's Karma" and such wounds would begin to heal. One of the ladies was excellent about sending flowers or plants or fruit baskets. We got to know about each other's spouses and children ... and we started caring about each other's lives as a whole. When one was hurt ... we all hurt ... when one was happy ... we were all happy for her. ((Yikes ... we sound kind of like the BORG)). We experienced job loss and surgeries and natural disasters and death of family members and health issues ... as well as promotions and awards and achievements and successes. We laughed ... and we cried.

We were a sisterhood. And I miss that.

A lot ....

Letting My Light Shine ....

Have you ever just felt like you are glowing?? I don't mean a hot flash ... I mean emitting light ... glowing!

I felt that way today.

I wasn't wearing make-up nor dressed especially well, although I did have on a fun new skirt I had bought for our upcoming trip to Mexico. My hair was chem-perm tossled and air dried ... in all it's salt-and-pepper glory.

I was planning to visit High School Counselors in the area. The Statewide TAKS test results are coming in and there are many students who will not be graduating due to these results. I wanted to let counselors know that I can and will still help these students. Shake some hands, pass out cards, give them a sample copy of my DVD.

I had to stop at a local grocery store to pick up some big envelopes. As I was walking back to the check-out counter I crossed paths with another customer and she FROZE. This young lady stood there, eyes wide open, mouth open in surprise. She looked like she had just seen a movie star .... or a ghost!

I smiled at her and asked her if she knew me ... or if I should know her. She said, "You were my favorite teacher! I am Kelly ~*~*~ and I graduated in 1998. I have never forgotten you. Thank you so much!"

Well .... if that isn't music to a teacher's ears, I don't know what is!!

I gave her a big hug, handed her one of my cards and told her I had remarried. She had been in my classes during my 2nd divorce ... and all my students had seen me suffer. I let her know I had a good guy this time and this one was going to stick!!

I asked her how her life has been the past several years .... she shrugged ... "It's been ... Life."

I told her I was online all of the time and to look me up. We hugged and went on our ways.

What a great way to start a morning!

On to Lewisville High School .... where I taught for 3 years ... 1994-1997 ... it seemed like all the adults who saw me there remembered me ... I asked to see the lead counselor and the secretary said, "Go on back. Do you remember the way?"

The counselor greeted me by name.

Other teachers I saw in the hall greeted me with joy and asked if I was coming back. That felt so nice. It also felt nice to walk out of there, climb into my car and drive away!! LOL ...

I also went to Marcus HS ... was greeted kindly by the counselor there ... saw an old friend in the counselor's office and had a nice visit.

Then I met Tom for Indian Food for lunch .... and dribbled some of it on my shirt .... sigh .... so much for glowing ....

Anyway .... more school visits tomorrow. There are five high schools in LISD.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Home School is out ... ((how does that happen??)) .... my unschoolers are taking a few weeks off, but will return and continue through the summer. Many colleges are ending this week. Basically my daytime work is slowing way down right now. Which is nice. I actually got a nap today!!

I am expecting some summer TAKS work .... and already have parents contacting me about summer tutoring. It's all good!

Gonna keep letting my light shine.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Best Advice ....

The Best Advice I Ever Received

You've got questions. She's got answers.
Jeanne Marie Laskas

From Reader's Digest May 2007
Mom Knows Best

Sometimes I have questions and you have answers. So in keeping with this issue's theme, I asked myself, Okay, smarty, what's the best advice you've ever received? Turns out, I've gotten plenty from many wonderful people.

Mom's Best Advice ... In high school I wanted to try out for the basketball team. I loved the game but didn't have the moves. And I wasn't tight with the cool kids on the team. I sweated the decision and started to chicken out. I told myself, You don't really want to spend all your free time shooting hoops. That's when Momma said, When in doubt, do the positive. Can't decide whether you should get all dressed up and go to that party? Don't know if you should "intrude" on a new neighbor with a homemade welcome cake? Worried that an old lady would find you rude for offering to help her with her grocery bags? Do the positive! Go to the party, bake the cake, help the old lady. A life of doing is better than one of regretting what you didn't dare to do.

Husband's Healthy Advice ... Why do men have such bad aim when it comes to throwing socks into the laundry basket? It's a universal gender problem. My husband's response to my nagging is great advice for both women and men: If all you have to complain about is dirty socks bouncing off the rim, your life is good. Lighten up!

My Bartender's Best Advice ... When we were single, my girlfriends and I tried all the usual gambits to meet men. We thought we'd hit on a secret: Target the bars where professional guys go. So we hung out in lawyers' bars and bistros near the hospital. Night after night we struck out, wasting money and energy in fruitless flirting. One evening, the guy behind the bar gave me the best dating advice I've ever heard: If you want to meet guys, get a dog and a Frisbee and go to the park. His point was that somewhere there was a guy looking for me just as hard as I was looking for him, and that if I relaxed and did what I liked, I would find a guy who liked what I did. "Doing what doesn't work for you," he said, "doesn't work for you." I took the barkeep's advice, literally. I got a puppy at the pound and went to the park. The puppy got sick; I panicked and called a friend. Lo and behold, the friend -- whom I'd never thought of dating before -- was a guy who liked what I liked. Call it puppy love, but the previously mentioned sock tosser, Alex, and I (and the dog) are still going strong.

Most Insightful Advice ... A friend of mine who is blind refuses to consider herself disabled or indulge in self-pity. She believes that every limitation can flower into unique talents. She points to herself as an example. "Let's see you find the toilet in the dark." Oh, I see!

Best English Teacher Advice ... As an eighth-grader, I was, like, so bored. You had to be bored to be cool. But my English teacher considered boredom the disease of an inactive mind. She told me: Always be in the middle of a good book and you'll never be in a bad or bored mood. I've been in the middle of reading or writing one ever since.

Best Neighborly Advice ... Recently I overdosed at the nursery and came home with a pickup full of zinnias, petunias and pansies. After unloading the truck in the hot sun, I felt overwhelmed. It would take days to get those plants in! I almost gave up. A neighbor found me sitting in the dirt. She leaned over, picked up a trowel and handed it to me. Just dig one hole. You plant a garden one flower at a time. I've found this advice applies to all of life's activities. You write a book one word at a time, clean a closet one shelf at a time, run a marathon one step at a time. If you feel defeated by some large task, get your spade and dig the first hole.

Best Sisterly Advice ... My sister was in a serious career slump; I'd just been dumped by a man I thought was The One. (This was way before The One mentioned above.) We were in our mid-20s, miserable, and 500 miles apart, and our friends were sick of listening to us whine. Then one night my sister called and said, "We gotta go to Hawaii." What kind of advice was that? I'd never done anything so impulsive in my life. But we took the trip, sipped fruity drinks and cried on each other's shoulder for two solid weeks. At last, our woes seemed ridiculous and our wails turned to laughter. At one point Sis turned to me and gave me advice that has stayed with me to this day: Family comes first -- and last. When everyone is sick of you, they'll stick with you. Even if they're sick of you!


Questions about pets, parents, partners or office politics? E-mail Jeanne Marie Laskas at advice@rd.com Sending gives us permission to edit and publish.

Quotes I believe should apply ....

"The time is always right to do right"
Nelson Mandela

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

POWER AND LIBERATION by Marianne Williamson

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends"

MLK Jr

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter"

MLK Jr.

"In Germany they came first for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up"

Martin Niemoller

"People may forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel"

-Maya Angelou-

What I did ....

Okay .... here is what I did to make Wine Fairie mad ...

In the first week of November 2006 WineFairie came to see me. She arrived on Thursday evening and spent the evening chatting with Tom about mortgages and the house she was considering buying while I tutored. That evening she made a statement which I kind of wondered about at the time ... and in hindsight I REALLY wonder about it. She said .... "Gilly thinks that you and I will be friends no matter what."

I wondered why she and Gilly were wondering about that, but I agreed that I thought we would, too.

She spent Thursday night in our home. She had brought wonderful coffee from Washington, sent wines from Washington, brought jams and jellies which were divine. She was the perfect house guest.

Friday morning Tom went to work and Georgia and I went out to breakfast then shopping and out to get full body massages ...( in separate rooms. ) We talked a lot and laughed and all seemed fine.

Over a dozen of Tom's and my friends met us at BJ's that evening ... many whom Georgia knew from the Q of the D. Tom didn't know it, but his best friend ever was in Texas from Germany and he and I had been planning to surprise Tom for months. Georgia's visit coincided with this event. I had already promised the guest room to Gary ... and Georgia had made arrangements at a local hotel. She seemed okay with that, but maybe she wasn't?

Gary showed up late at BJ's .... surprised the heck out of Tom ... drinks were had ... food was eaten. The gathering moved to our house and continued deep into the night. I am not sure what time it was when Georgia left to go to her hotel.

The next morning Georgia came back there was more wonderful coffee from Washington ... and Tom made a fritata. Then Tom and Gary took off because Georgia and I were expecting Cat and Caterry and Sunshine and my friend Marsha to show up for a Sensaria party. There was much hugging and drinking and laughter with everyone that afternoon. It was very enjoyable.

When Tom and Gary returned we all went out for Dinner at a local Tex-Mex place. The music was too loud ... and there seemed to be some tensions about people drinking too much or not drinking at all. Overall there was tension at the table ... and I am not sure what happened ... but I thought it was because the group was big and the music was loud and it was hard to hear across the big round table. This is one of our favorite places to eat ... but it didn't put on it's best face that evening.

We all went back to our place after that ... ladies to the front room to hang out and talk ... men to the TV to watch football. Cat and Caterry were sharing WF's room at the hotel and they left at 11:00ish??

I met them for breakfast at 9:00 Sunday morning at the Cracker Barrel ... things seemed okay. More talking and laughter. Hugs and pictures followed and Cat and Caterry took off for Arkansas.

It was Veteran's Day weekend and a restuarant in Dallas was offering free meals to Vets. Tom and Gary are both veterans so we had plans to go down there for lunch. Georgia wanted to drive her own car and see Dallas ... I insisted she ride with us.

It was basically downhill from there.

It became very clear to me that Tom and Gary were not being very nice to Georgia. While in the restuarant, Georgia went to the bathroom and I took Tom and Gary to task. They were ignoring her and basically in their own little world. Tom apologized but confessed that he found Georgia to be too "over the top" for him. She is very high energy ... and we are more laid back ... he was tuning her out and focusing more on Gary.

We got through lunch and headed back to Lewisville as the Broncos were playing soon. Georgia wanted to stay in Dallas and see Dallas. I should have let her drive herself. I wanted to see the football game ... I had assumed that would be okay with her, too ... as we always talked football online and she seemed to understand that Sundays and Bronco Football were important at our house. She was upset that she didn't get to spend more time in Dallas and she sure didn't want to sit around and watch football ... so we went to The Gaylord Texan Hotel and wondered around there .... drank margaritas and ate .... talked a lot.

On the way back to my place from there, I apologized to Georgia for Tom's treatment of her. I told her I had taken him to task at lunch and told him that he had probably cost himself a loan customer because of it. Next thing I know .... Georgia is in tears ... then I am in tears ... and I am furious at Tom for making us both cry when we should have been laughing.

Georgia refused to come into my house after that.

She dropped me off and went to the hotel ... and that was the last I saw of her.

I wrote her a long note of apology where I confessed to selfishly thinking that she wanted to do the things which encompass my life .... the things I had always talked about online .... I figured she mainly just wanted to hang out and talk and eat and DRINK and laugh and DRINK some more. I don't go to Dallas .... I hate driving in Dallas .... I don't feel safe in Dallas ... and I didn't want her to go to Dallas, with or without me. She wanted to go and I should have let her. I apologized for my selfishness.

Tom also wrote her a note of apology. He didn't get her loan, but it turned out she had already signed a contract on a house before she even came to Texas ... and that she was using WAMU because they offered her airline miles for her loan!! That made perfect sense to me .... airline miles for a home loan ... the best of all worlds, I would think. I was confused as to why she had acted like she didn't have a contract on the house while she was here .... and why she made it seem like Tom lost the loan because of his behavior .... when she had already gone with someone in Washington. We would have understood perfectly if she had just been honest and up-front. Tom gets and loses loans on a daily basis .... it is part of the sales world. Friendship is way more important than a loan.

I stayed Mad at Tom for several days but then Georgia admitted on FP that she had had a contract on the house before she came to see us ... but that the contract had fallen through because the sellers were divorcing. I still feel bad for her about that because it seemed like the perfect place for her and I wanted her to get it.



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Anyway ..... Things online in FP seemed to be fine between all of us as far as I noticed. Even more people were playing in Fewls and all seemed happy. Cat's Birthday went well ... WF's trip to Gilly's seemed to go okay .... Christmas seemed to go fine. I didn't sense any tension between me and Wine Fairie. In Fact .... I was at that time taking a lot of time to put together Dream/Wish Books for WF and Cat and Caterry and Gilly and Sweeney and Sparkle. I put a lot of Love and Affection into these books for these women. I didn't get them mailed in time for Christmas ... in fact, they didn't get them until after New Year's in some cases.

Meanwhile .... between Christmas and New Year's Cat and Winefairie started tag-teaming BREE and picking on anything she posted. I normally kept Bree on ignore so I was happily going along playing with everyone, including WF and Cat when suddenly I would come upon a virulent post to Bree from one of them. It was like a glass of ice water thrown into the fun. They would zing Bree ... then continue to play with others all happy and light. I knew that WF had serious issues with Bree, and I knew that WF and Cat had developed a friendship .... but I couldn't figure out why they were just being so very ugly to BREE ... why not just put her on ignore and play with everyone else?

So .... I sent the email which I mark as the beginning of the end for me in Paradise. I sent an email to Cat and WF ... Told them I loved them ... and kindly requested they take their nastiness towards Bree off of the threads and into emails.

OMG .... you would have thought I asked for the impossible. How dare I expect WF to back down from Bree who has been constantly harrassing her for months via emails and phone calls? How dare I ask Cat the same when Bree has also begun emailing her? That was it ... that was the last straw ... they were leaving Fewl's Paradise and they didn't care who wanted them back ... they were gone, outta there, no need to explain to anyone. They needed it for their health and well being. They didn't need to be fussed at for being mean to Bree when Bree had been so mean to them. They expected more from me. They expected my support and friendship. Instead, I had turned against them. They were gone.

And sure enough ... on New Year's Day ... they were gone. They felt they didn't owe anyone an explanation .... and maybe they didn't. But I felt they did. So when Caterry asked where Wine Fairie was, I posted that she was mad at me ... and so was Cat. I didn't want Bree to think that SHE had the power to run them off from Fewl's ... I took the blame.

Well ... that caused even more issues. They were furious that I blamed it on me ... actually .... I thought it WAS my fault ... I had written to them and asked them to calm down on Bree and they had replied with emails telling me that was it ... they were outta there .... so wasn't it my fault?

Actually ... Cat wanted more time offline to work on her court case and her health. WF felt that FP was an unhealthy atmosphere and she needed to be elsewhere. There was too much complaining in FP. Too many people with stuff wrong with them. Too many people needing Karma for this that or the other thing.

I therefore found it profoundly ironic that not one day after she pronounces FP unhealthy for her, she sends out a mass email asking for Fewl's Karma and prayers for her SIL who was in bad shape and having a dangerous surgery. I did not mass reply to her email ... so she accused me of not caring when in reality I was very concerned and read up on all the links she sent about her SIL and her Brother and their family and life. And I prayed and sent positive Karma.

Meanwhile in Paradise ... Gilly's Linzi has her first major attack ... Happy Loser shared with us about her son .... Nurse Purple is back wanting to play ... lots of newbies started posting .... Cat and WF and Caterry and Q-Ball and were all reading but not posting. I was replying to Newbies to please fill out their profiles and to please come play in the daily thread instead of opening their own. Someone named GrammaK or something like that kept correcting my posts to newbies saying they should do whatever they wanted. Other "lurkers" whom I didn't even know kept doing the same. Several Fewls were mad at me for chasing Cat and WF away and ruining all the fun. These same Fewl's suggested I apologize for whatever it was I did and ask them to come back.

All I did was ask them to stop picking on Bree ...

I tried to respect the fact that Cat and WF didn't want to be in Fewl's and I didn't go looking for them although I heard they were having fun in General Support. I did see them on the drop down list all the time and would occasionally post to them hoping they would respond in kind. I did mention something about lurkers trying to destroy FP ... I was honestly refering to GrammaK and others I didn't know ... but Caterry and Q took it very personally and I am not sure why. There were times when I felt it would be nice to have all the Fewl's who were reading posting again ... and I probably commented as such because I just didn't understand why they could take the time to read ... and yet couldn't take the time to say "HI GUYS!"

Meanwhile .... the joy and happiness and silliness of Paradise was sadly missing. I kept hoping that Cat and WF would come back. In my little heart, I secretly hoped they would come back on my birthday. By then they would have been gone over a month. Is it so wrong to want people I had enjoyed for years as friends to return to the community where we became friends?

My Birthday was celebrated in grand style by Debi and Sizz and Sparkle and RH and me and DO and T4 and Linda and Lilaz and Sunshine and Bree and I am probably leaving someone out and if I did I sure didn't mean to. Gilly stopped in to say Hi and Happy Birthday .... even though I think Linzi was in a bad place again. Caterry and Q and WF and Cat all were in the drop-down list all day long ... and I kept hoping they would post even as I enjoyed the fun I was having with everyone else. I honestly do not see what is wrong with hoping people I love and whom I thought were my friends would take a moment to post Birthday wishes to me.

We went way over 1000 posts that day and had a great time. Towards the end of the thread I thanked everyone for the wonderful day and mentioned my disappointment in those who had read but not commented. I really don't see that as being a birthday meltdown as Willow has suggested. I also didn't see it as being an insult to those who had spent the day with me. It was ONE post. This was Saturday Feb. 3rd.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

On Sunday the 4th was the Super Bowl. Around 2:00 in the afternoon ... maybe 3:00 ... Marsha was already here, I got an email from WF titled "Shame on YOU". I read the Title and a couple scathing opening sentences and promptly deleted the email. It was horrible. She was ranting and raving at me about the one post in my birthday thread and how disgustingly selfish I was to post that. Her email immediately tried to put me in a BAD place ... but I deleted it and proceeded to attempt to have a good evening as the hostess of our Super Bowl Party. However .... I was very taken aback by the amount of venom in that email ... even with the brief part I had read.

Was wanting Cat and WF to come back into FP and play again such a horrible awful thing? I enjoyed every moment of the day with all the others ... but FP had been suffering without Cat and WF and I wanted them to come back. I was disturbed that they were always reading and never posting. FP was a mere shadow of its former self and I wanted it back.

So .... I finally decided that Cat and WF wouldn't come back as long as Bree was posting and I very much regret what I did then. I attempted to move FP into iVillage and not let Bree know where we were. I hoped Cat and WF and Caterry and Q might post there if Bree wasn't around. I opened a thread in iVillage on Friday Feb. 9th. Lots of people joined me there ... it has WYSIWYG which I had missed muchly ... but it was different from SBDO and we were working through the kinks that day.

Someone sent the link to BREE. She was devistated. I felt horrible. I didn't know what else to do ...

Saturday Feb. 10th I log onto my computer and Sizz contacts me via IM asking me what I did? She said it was amazing! EVERYONE was back in paradise playing. EVERYONE (except Bree). WF and Cat and Caterry and Q were all there ... along with all those who had struggled through the month of January with me and others. I hadn't done anything to my knowledge ... except that suddenly BREE wasn't playing anymore. Sweeney was there ... DO said "Caterry!" and Caterry said "DO!" ... and all was right with the world ... or so I thought.

Then I realized that none of the returnees were talking to me. And if they did it was brief and terse. But they played with everyone else just fine. Occassionally I would try to join in the fun like I always used to ... and I would get greeted with "WTF?" I mentioned to a couple of people one day that they had red x's in their sig where their Tracker used to be ... and OMG .... you would have thought I was the devil from the reaction I got from WF and Cat.

It was suggested to me that WF was still waiting for a reply to the "Shame on YOU" email she had sent me the day after my birthday. I wrote her an email and told her I hadn't read it ... the title and the opening lines were too hurtful. Well that REALLY pissed her off .... and ... not only had she kept a copy of it to send back to me she added plenty of commentary about just how much worse of a person I was for not discussing her interpretations of my selfish behavior in the first place. I simply wrote back to her that I disagreed with her opinions of me and did not want to argue with her. She sent another long blasting email to me and proceeded to IM me with hateful things .... I blocked her on my IM and blocked her emails. She then brought it online to FP where she complained she couldn't get any sleep because of a dear friend of hers who wouldn't listen to reason. Everyone sent her {{{WF}}} hugs.

Finally .... Sweens was having trouble with WYSIWYG and I suggested she check her Preferences and make sure the right boxes were checked ... and then I suggested that while she was in there she might want to delete the /font> that had been her sig for MONTHS ....

Well .... that was when WF let loose with the horribly scathing post about it not being my job to police everyone's sigs ... and as a teacher I should know blah blah blah and clearly I am troubled and need to look into my own soul and clean up my own sig. I mean .... she let loose.

I gave a brief reply ... this can all be looked up by you who still have access. Then Cat jumped in with the same stuff. And I really began to realize that I was HATED. It had never occurred to me before that They hated me. I had no idea why. I tried to figure out what I had done to earn this immense hatred from people I thought were my friends just a couple of months before. I thought Georgia was behaving irrationally so I wrote an email to Gilly and Sweeney and Swillow and asked if they thought it was possible that WF might be suffering from SADD .... Seasonal Affective Depressive Disorder. This is a temporary condition caused by not getting enough sunlight. It was the only thing I could think of that could be causing her to act so meanly towards me.

Yes .... she had a rough visit here in Texas ... but for almost 2 months after that, she was still nice to me ...

I wrote to those women because I knew she was close to them and they to her. I asked them to email her and call her and check on her and let her vent about me or whatever. She seemed so very angry at me .... maybe they could find out why ... maybe by listening to her, her anger would wane.

I then posted an Open Message to Bree to apologize to her for my treatment of her and WF went Ballistic again. She and Cat posted more hateful stuff and left FP.

One week later, I had to go to have a follow-up Mammogram. I will not lie. I was scared. And I felt all the negative energy flowing from WF and Cat as they read but did not post in FP. I felt unsafe asking for Fewl's Karma. I felt they were wishing evil upon me. I felt scared in a place I used to feel loved and secure. IT REALLY HURT. I had to leave. I sent out that email Swillow refered to. No one begged me to stay. Those who replied understood and wished me well.

A week or so later, I was feeling better .... the dark shadow of cancer had passed ... and I missed my friends .... so I started posting again.

Cat and WF had stopped reading ... Caterry and Q were still constants in the dropdown as were many others who were reading and not posting. Threads were lucky if they surpassed 30 posts. It was sad. It made me sad.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Candleman .... Admin John had suggested at one point back in 2006 after someone had complained about Candleman and Admin John had removed him .... he had suggested to me that I try posting him again ... if someone complained again I would have to take him down for good.

I took Admin John at his word.

So when WF showed up on the Drop Down list on Wednesday and I wake up to an email from Admin John threatening Banning on Thursday ... I put 2 and 2 together and got 5. And it appears I was right again.

Caterry's attack on me followed by Q-Ball's attack on me made it very clear that I was VERY unwanted in Paradise.

People had been pulling away from me as it was .... probably wondering what I had done to WF to make her hate me so. So why stay in a place where I was basically a ticking bomb.

I canceled my Membership and haven't posted in a week. I don't believe in leaving without saying goodbye, so I sent out an email to the few friends I believed I still had left. Clearly I was wrong about at least one of them.

I apologize to those of you who have been receiving the emails Swillow has been sending. I know many of you are tired of my "drama". I contend that until someone whom you have wholy loved as a true friend turns on you so unexpectedly as WF has done to me, you will not even begin to understand the hurt and confusion I have been feeling since I sent the email to Cat and WF asking them to stop picking on BREE online.

This is what I have done.